House of Paula

Why, for now, I Don’t Work Out at a Gym

Posted on: May 1, 2007

This is the hardest thing I have ever done physically. Lift and work out on a regular basis. I used to run in college, but that’s all I did. Maybe if I lifted my life might have been different. I don’t know – I can’t change the past. I can however change my future and deal with the past. I deal with it as I lift and since this sometimes leads me to full out tears, I won’t be lifting in the gym any time soon.
This is the hardest thing I have ever done physically. Lift and work out on a regular basis. I used to run in college, but that’s all I did. Maybe if I lifted my life might have been different. I don’t know – I can’t change the past. I can however change my future and deal with the past. I deal with it as I lift and since this sometimes leads me to full out tears, I won’t be lifting in the gym any time soon.

Thirty years ago I began burying myself in fat. I quit believing in my body and what it could do. I buried it to hide from my abusers. Nobody likes the fat person right??? At times the body came out again (when I was running) but it quickly was buried back again as the people I loved betrayed the love I gave them. It was easier to hide under the fat and not feel the pain.

So now as I shed the fat, the feelings that have been buried for so long surface at the most inopportune time. Do a set of leg extensions. Lay on the bench and sob for the little girl who couldn’t trust her body. Do another set of leg extensions and sob at the loss the fat has created.

The reasons matter and the feelings must be examined. If I don’t look at them and feel them then they take hold again and I binge. But if I look at them, feel them, and do whatever I need to do to get through them, I come out stronger on the other side. I find I believe in my body. I notice that I feel good.

I’ve been eating a lot of crap this week in an effort to stuff feelings. I’ve been dreading working out. Dragging my feet. I couldn’t figure out why. Now I know. I see all the girls who workout on here, who eat this or that and can’t figure out why they are sabotaging themselves. I ask them to look at what they are trying to stuff by putting food in their mouths. What are you feeling? What are you trying to hide from? Why are you angry at yourself and Why are you punishing yourself with food and in some cases alcohol? You aren’t punishing the person who hurt you. You are only hurting yourself.

You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to be happy. Don’t bury the feelings. Don’t pretend to be feeling great when you aren’t. BE REAL.

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